Wednesday, September 8, 2010

script

AP STYLE POLICE
AT RISE: The scene opens with PERSON 1 Facebook chatting with PERSON 2

PERSON 1: (types while speaking out loud) Hey!  Guess what!  My cousin got arested last week!  
PERSON 2: (types while speaking out loud) what?
PERSON 1: arested!  He committed a felany!  
PERSON 2: I think you mean arrested.  With two r’s…and felony.
PERSON 1: Whatever.  Yah, he’s acused of asalt and burgly!  He has to hire an atorknee.
PERSON 2: You mean accused. And assault…and burglary…and Attorney.  Dude, your knowledge of AP Style is atrocious.
PERSON 1: I don’t give a shit!!  Who cares?!?
PERSON 2: I care!!  You need to follow the 2010 AP Style!
PERSON 1: What are you?  The AP Style Police?  

The Screen flashes with awesome music and the words AP STYLE POLICE
Scene changes to POLICE OFFICER for AP Style.

POLICE OFFICER: Yah, I’ve been with the AP Police for two years now.  I was always really good at AP Style in college.  Instead of becoming a journalist like everyone else, I decided to use my knowledge for the enforcement of AP Style.

RADIO: We’ve got a 22 on 102 State Street.  

POLICE OFFICER: (into radio) Roger, I’m on it.  (to the camera) 22: a misuse of AP Style.  (shakes head) people just don’t take AP Style.  It makes me so angry.  

POLICE OFFICER rings doorbell of PERSON 1’s house.  

PERSON 1: Coming! (opens door) Oh…hello officer…Have I done something wrong?
POLICE OFFICER: I’ll say you have!  It’s been reported that you have been misusing AP Style.
PERSON 1: …You have got to be kidding…
POLICE OFFICER: Oh so you think this is funny?!  You think AP Style is a joke?!?!
PERSON 1: Um…yes?
POLICE OFFICER: Do you even know how to spell habeas corpus?
PERSON 1: Um…H-A-B-E-O-U-S—C-O-R-P-S-E?
POLICE OFFICER:  Oh…my…god!  I have never seen such a hideous display of AP Style misuse.  It’s H-A-B-E-A-S – C-O-R-P-U-S!!!!  And you’re under arrest!!!  

PERSON ONE runs off.  POLICE OFFICER chases after him, tasers him to the ground.

PERSON 1: AHhhhhhhgahrhedafhaogs.
POLICE OFFICER: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?  
PERSON 1: Ahhhhgaghahregdhosf
POLICE OFFICER:  I’m taking that as a yes.  (handcuffs person 1 and drags him away)

Scene changes: POLICE OFFICER is driving again.

POLICE OFFICER: well that’s all settled.   He was indicted with a first-degree misuse of AP Style.  Hehe yes he will be in prison for a long time.
RADIO: We’ve got a 15 on 213 South Maple Lane.
POLICE OFFICER: (into radio) Roger, I’m on it.  (to camera) 15:  a domestic AP Style dispute.  Gotta check it out, maybe settle the disagreement.

POLICE OFFICER comes into yard.  BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND are arguing.  

(BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND are yelling at each other saying things like “you’re wrong” and “I’m right” etc)
POLICE OFFICER: Hey guys, take it easy!  What’s the argument about.
GIRLFRIEND: This idiot thinks subpoenaing is spelled S-U-B-P-O-E-N-I-N-G, when it’s obviously S-U-B-P-O-E-N-A-I-N-G!!
BOYFRIEND: That’s WRONG!!  It’s S-U-B-P-O-E-N-I-N-G!!  -A-I-N-G is just stupid!!
GIRLFRIEND: No no no!!!  You are wrong!
(they resume yelling at each other, screaming things like “you’re stupid” and whatnot)
POLICE OFFICER: Folks folks!  Calm down!  I can settle this.  She’s right.  It’s S-U-B-P-O-E-N-A-I-N-G!!  

GIRLFRIEND starts celebrating and BOYFRIEND starts being sad and stuff. POLICE OFFICER walks away.

POLICE OFFICER: All in a day’s work.

Screen flashes AP STYLE POLICE one last time.  CREDITS